This one’s for the ladies…

And their lovely ‘Lady Lands!’

Warning: Body talk, post-partum realities, and a bit of a different focus then usual….

I had a thought today and, despite the sleep-deprived-flu-irritated-hormonally-charged state in which I found myself, I feel it worth sharing. Here’s how it came about: I was sitting in the loo editing photos and attempting a bit of Bronte’s Villete while my bottom soaked in a sitz bath (yes, I’ve taken multi-tasking to a whole new level). As I ignored the pleas of the two-year old for snack time and worked and soaked and perfected my granny-on-the-pot pose, I thought, “Someone really needs to warn those ladies, cuz this is not pretty!” Adding water and salts, I considered how pregnant women have all kinds of prenatal coaching on breathing and positions and how to involve sweet daddy, and that we have nursing clubs and parades, photo shoots for before and during and the new bundle after, and so much more. From that first pee-sprinkled stick, there’s support and info and everything a new mama could need.

But… what of the post-partum Lady Lands?!
(Insert mute button, wide eyes, and Jaws sound track).

The ‘glorious experience of birth’ truly is amazing. However, when the adrenaline settles and mama comes home from Battlefield Birth, the newly conquered territory can be a wee bit…daunting.

With this in mind I came up with some brief but key points which could be a fantastic Reclaiming the Lady Lands curriculum:

1. The mama-to-be should be given an empty toilet paper roll. She should then attempt to pass a football through said roll. Upon completion of the task, she should attempt to stitch the former-roll back into its former shape, and then see how well it rolls.
2. The papa-to-be should sew labels on his boxers stating, “earliest 6 weeks, likely much longer, no it’s not time yet”
3. The parents-to-be should take a stroll down the geriatric aisle in the pharmacy and take a good look at granny panties, stool softeners, hemorrhoid creams, and sitz bath bowls. (perusing this aisle before the lingerie section will save you much time and money).
4. Before the new mama arrives home, the new Papa should vigilantly rid the house of any hand mirrors or other reflective surfaces which could allow, um, insight to the situation. He should then coach the mama as a sky diving instructor might, “It’s scary. Don’t look down!!!”
5. The new mama should carefully note her state of mind, state of body, and overall sensations throughout the day. These should be printed out and placed in a sealed container for reference around midnight  in about 18 months when she’s laying there cooing, “Honey, maybe we should…”

Oh the wonder weeks of post-partum recovery. Yet, we all know it is far more than worth it. As I sit on the salts and tell myself that there’s no way this new Baby will ever be blessed with a younger sibling, I find myself shaking my head and melting at the thought of those growly coos and deep blue eyes. My body will never (ever!) be the same, but neither will private places of my heart and home, the intimate areas of my hopes, those secret spaces of new life and joy that this season of labour and recovery, birth and life, have gifted me with in the arrival of this baby boy.


6 Responses to “This one’s for the ladies…”
  1. rikki says:

    ahaha, this is sooo true! it’s really like a train wreck! but once again, i’ve been reminded how truly amazing our bodies are and that i AM able to plop down on the couch or not wear a pad at all times 🙂 so funny, hope your recovery goes quickly!

  2. Kmarie says:

    I really suffererd post partum and I warn everyone. Some do- some don’t. We had to stop after the 5th pregnancy( 3rd actual baby) because even Dr R said it was too hard on me emotionally and physically. Plus those hemmoriods that got pushed out during birth apparently would come back with a vengeance needing surgery. I would rather be at the optimum for the kids I have now then keep going because I love the baby stages. Everyone is SO different. At best listen to your body- your heart will always want more. Take into account how fast you bounce back, what level depression is at, and how quick your love life gets back on track. I am so glad I had three when I wanted to stop at two- but I would have been happy either way later in different ways:) With our recent diagnosis I am relieved three is all I have to deal with right now:)
    You will know:)
    I loved your humorous twist! Very funny.

  3. Dana Fiorito says:

    I shouldn’t have read this….not yet.

    • Dea' says:

      Ohh…sorry Dane! Shoots! Um…yeah, I’ve got nothin’. Maybe just focus on what a pro you are already and how it’s supposed to be a better recovery each time? Or…something…? You really are an incredibly strong and gorgeous mama. If anyone can pull this off, you’re the champ!

  4. Kait says:

    I think I basically love you. and I think Im going to label all of rich’s underwear stat. and destroy all hand mirrors.
    and isn’t my grammar amazing. 😀

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