in everything

Yesterday was tough.
In the midst of choices and questions and challenges, my head swirled, my eyes welled, and my body ached and ached. As the Older One struggled against right choices , the Younger One begged for milk from a body giving all to the unseen youngest. As justification for personal rights stood in front of me, opportunities for ‘denying self’ and  ‘doing unto others’ whispered in the background. As I worked towards next steps, I pushed against That Man and enticed him to choose himself and his comfort over the least of these.
The evening crawled on with struggling man-boys, fibromyalgia’s limbs, and open doors to the Kingdom Now. My voice was sharp with the struggling. My body bent with the aching. My eyes turning away from the doors.

As the house finally quieted and the clock moved to midnight, I found open space to think, to write, to consider. And then I fell into that big empty bed as My Other worked through the night bringing breath to a woman, comforting an elder, saving a man (though only for one extra earthly hour).

Only an hour into sleep the now-middle-one awoke with screams and frustration; yowling against his aching gums and wet nose. I groaned. I ignored. I mumbled (thankfully) incoherent things. And then I hauled him up again and rocked and hummed and wished for rest as my arms shoke.

And then he touched my face.
And then he pulled me close for a drooling, snot-laden, open-mouthed, baby-kiss.
And then I felt those blond curls on my cheeks as he tucked into me, and let go, and believed.

A tough day.
Tough days.
Beautiful beautiful desperate days.

This is the stuff life is made of.


3 Responses to “in everything”
  1. Kmarie says:

    Aw sweetie. Sleep depravity is so tough. I wept last night too as I was sick and tired and drugged with gravol and then M started screaming with his ear infection just as I was dozing. P was exhausted and I had already gotten up a few times to soothe so this LAST one was too much. I bawled my eyes out ( P said I was more of a handful then the children:) I don’t remember much with the drugs but I remember being desperate for sleep and mad at myself for not being more capable. I get it. And yup in the morning light it looks way better:)
    We are all in this together. Sending prayers your way:)

  2. Melanie says:

    oh, the slobbery kiss of babe. It makes it all worth it, hey? Praying you’ll find rest… true REST this week.

    love you, friend.

  3. Pam Koop says:

    Yes, understood by many of us moms! Beautifully written! Made me tear a bit thinking of one time too when my girl just was crying and flailing at me and then when I just enveloped her in a big hug and tried to sing “The Lord bless you” through my sobs, she joined me in singing that first time! Thankyou Lord for those precious moments that give us strength to continue!

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