of all the seasons

These days, there is a reality that I cannot separate from my writing. I can’t just step into my other voice and spin together a sweet piece on the Nativity or a humorous insight into a winter moment or a thoughtful reflection on the meaning of the season. The fact of every minute, of every day, of my present life is that I am spinning in circles as a mother. I am failing. I am over my head. I am madly running about trying to find the emergency exit and realizing that there is none.

I can see it. I can hear it. It’s me! The expressions on my face. Those tones! The attitudes and reactions that I am expressing and putting upon my children. I wouldn’t listen to or obey me either! So much needs to change, yet I spin and spin and spin; wheel and rut, candy floss dissolving, sticky web catching me.

I consider our Mother Mary. Her open and unhesitating acceptance to her role. Her quiet strength. Her courage. How she treasured the moments and remained steadfast even as she watched Her Son in the shadow of death.

I am so far, so so far from her.
So far from the Father of my children.
So far from all the I must be to them if I am to lead them towards goodness.

This isn’t a trial. This isn’t suffering! This life is a rich opportunity with amazing potential.

And I’m blowing it.

As I look at the long stretch of months ahead I see days of opportunity…and the dark and weak reality of who I am. The last weeks of pregnancy, the first weeks of postpartum recovery, the dark hours of winter, the deep cold, the extended weeks of J away, the three lives beneath my roof. How will I protect them from myself? How will I draw them towards the Light when I can spread such darkness in the richest of seasons?

I will go for now. At any given moment in the writing of this post (a word here, a sentence here, random bits over more than a day…) there has been screaming and hitting and three new molars and carrying and changing and interceding and walking and yelling and throwing and smashing and wondering and working and hugging and lifting and scrubbing and spinning around and around and around.

In this season of Joy, Peace, and Hope, I wait.

4 Responses to “of all the seasons”
  1. Kmarie says:

    Mothers go thru this season of guilt and exhaustion. We all have various forms of difficult seasons and we are in this together. You will see the end of the loud chaos part of it… Each stage has differing joys and hardships. I feel for you. I remember feeling desperate, desperate, in my third pregnancy with a child throwing autistic tantrums, an anxious little gal and a hubby who was home for an hour a day and worked thru the weekends… And when he was home it often was stressful. But it was a season and we made it. I look back and think wow, we mothers expect too much of ourselves but look at how strong we were to make it thru alive. If I may say/ you are doing the best you can do for where you are. I am proud of you. While some moments Are to savior some are not. I have a strong feeling Mary carried guilt and desperation as well as hope. We are only human but beautiful in that fact. We all have aspects of motherhood to revel in and other spots to work on.
    Make sure you get out and see the world around you to know life is more and less;)
    Love and peace tonight dear friend!

  2. Delynne says:

    Actually sweetie, you’re totally NOT blowing it. You are doing amazing and learning and seeing and living. It’s all part of the grace of humanity – the humanness of failure and worry and joy and exhilaration. Finding those moments of grace in the midst of it all. You’re right on track!! 🙂 Love you!

  3. I TOTALLY resonate with this… thanks for your transparency. I especially really get this statement “how will I protect them from myself”? It’s the feeling that you CAN do better, that you are capable of more. It’s good to grow and self-reflect, but don’t go too far down the criticism route… that road is never-ending, and doesn’t end well. Let’s keep sharing these things and try to keep each other balanced and on track, growing and becoming better mamas together, k? 🙂

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