New Years Eve


New Years Eve. Wow.

This space has been quiet for me this week as I’ve stepped back and observed the magic of a Papa and his sons, wrapped myself in the fabric of being a family, rested my heavy belly, and remembered what it’s like to have someone else share the burden and the joys. I think that, in the midst of the pace and adrenaline and the focus of the past months, the wonder of ‘togetherness’ was tucked away as I did what I needed to do in keeping with what I was and am responsible for in this home.

Jer got the call today giving notice that, most likely, he’ll be heading back on Monday (in keeping with the last minute environment of the industry, they’ll confirm…on Monday).

We knew the holiday wouldn’t last forever. Of course he needs to head back to work. Yet, for the first time since he began this job I really don’t feel prepared for him to leave. I know I am not yet the parent I need to be for these boys. I know they’re going to be confused and lonely and so sad when they realize J’s gone. I know how consistently I fail. What I don’t yet know is how to be all I need to be, or…how to let go of all that I shouldn’t be…or…how to just be: in Christ, in marriage, in parenting.

This New Years Eve, I have nothing profound to offer. Just quiet thoughts from my little nook as I listen to the boys giggle and tuck in and soak up their Papa. The morning will be a new year, a fresh start, but that is our privilege each day, always, in This Life. It’s our Selves that needs to be made new, not the calendar. It’s our hearts and our eyes and those stirrings and questions and steps that need to be turned over and redone. It’s the I that must disappear into this dark old year as He arises and makes all things new.

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