cling


Tonight, I am very tired.

I am going on 42 weeks pregnant, I am tending these boys on my own, I have ‘that cold’ that’s going around, and I really have no hope of any productive laboring action tonight.

I just don’t get it.
I just want to cry.
I just have nothing left.

In a bizarre way, I feel like I’m losing so much faith in my ‘sense of woman’. The past two weeks just don’t make sense. Nothing adds up. I just don’t understand and am therefore struggling to appreciate how this baby is still inside of me.

In a not-so-bizarre way, I am vividly aware of my weakness and the last threads of rope in my hand.

Baby is getting larger. Too large?
I’m becoming exhausted. Too exhausted?
The ‘glow’ is becoming a wavering flicker and I’m losing sight of the whole picture.

Why couldn’t this one thing just ‘be’? From the pre-laboring to Jeremy’s schedule to everything else in between, it seems like every possible random maybe has been thrown into the pot.

(breathe)

I just need to See. Oh help me See.
What do I need to let go of? What do I yet need to learn? Who is this child within me that was given in such a season and who is creating such a season himself? What unexpected end and beginning is awaiting us? What am I being prepared for?

“Oh God you are my God, and earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you. In a dry and thirsty land, where there is no water….I sing, in the shadow of your wings. I cling….” Ps 63

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