Tonight, I am very tired.

I am going on 42 weeks pregnant, I am tending these boys on my own, I have ‘that cold’ that’s going around, and I really have no hope of any productive laboring action tonight.

I just don’t get it.
I just want to cry.
I just have nothing left.

In a bizarre way, I feel like I’m losing so much faith in my ‘sense of woman’. The past two weeks just don’t make sense. Nothing adds up. I just don’t understand and am therefore struggling to appreciate how this baby is still inside of me.

In a not-so-bizarre way, I am vividly aware of my weakness and the last threads of rope in my hand.

Baby is getting larger. Too large?
I’m becoming exhausted. Too exhausted?
The ‘glow’ is becoming a wavering flicker and I’m losing sight of the whole picture.

Why couldn’t this one thing just ‘be’? From the pre-laboring to Jeremy’s schedule to everything else in between, it seems like every possible random maybe has been thrown into the pot.


I just need to See. Oh help me See.
What do I need to let go of? What do I yet need to learn? Who is this child within me that was given in such a season and who is creating such a season himself? What unexpected end and beginning is awaiting us? What am I being prepared for?

“Oh God you are my God, and earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you. In a dry and thirsty land, where there is no water….I sing, in the shadow of your wings. I cling….” Ps 63

7 Responses to “cling”
  1. Marissa says:

    Oh friend. Prayers for you…

  2. the end is in sight, my dear. breathe. cling. you can do it. you are a strong mama, and you will find new strength that you never yet realized you had. prayers for a spirit of peace in your soul…

  3. Lola says:

    Praying for you. This baby will come.

  4. Krista says:

    Soon. You know it has to come soon. I’ve been there. I will pray it comes sooner.

  5. I spent the last two weeks of my pregnancy with James on the verge of tears, begging God to let our time come sooner. He was huge. I was huge. I was itchy all over, all the time (from PUPPP) I felt…”ugly” is not quite the right word…but it’s close…throw “exhausted,” “desperate,” and “frustrated” in there and you have a close proximity to how I felt. The “glow” was a distant memory and every time someone said, “you must be so excited!” I actually wanted to spit. I was past excited, I was past due and NEEDING (not some pretty “longing” or “hoping,” but raw, dirty NEEDING) this baby out of me. And I didn’t even have other LO’s to look after… I can’t imagine how exhausted (in every way) you must be.

    Wish I could just put my arms around you right now. But I’m praying for you. Praying hard.

  6. Anna says:

    Well, Dea sometimes psycology plays a large part in it. I was thinking, what if your body is just waiting for your partner to come and it refuses to let go otherwise? I have seen it happen.

  7. Dea' says:

    Thank you dear hearts…..
    Your comments, presence, support, and belief, have been so appreciated. Each word and cheer and prayer has been held close as a thread of warmth and blessing these nights.

    Such an intriguing time in Life. Now to find and express wholeness within it…..

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