Towards Wholeness and Life…in the living


(This is LONG. If you want, just skip down to Pt. 4 and go from there)

Hello dear friends,

A blog.
A story, a record, a community, an expression of art.
Relationships, questions, conversations, journeys.
A type of map; from and to and in between.

So much, yet in some ways…so little.

A decade of words and moments. A life lived, in part, on a screen.

Pt. 1

A few mornings ago, I went for a walk. It was just me; no babes or gals or dog. The trees were freshly frosted, fog was hanging in the air, and there was a chilly stillness that gave me the sense of being the only one out. Through following paths and thoughts and steps, I came across a barely-there track in a frozen field. The color scheme was breathtaking: butter yellow canola stalks from autumn contrasted by a chilled sky of blue-grey, all with the swirl and sparkle of fog.

Perfect.

But…I had no camera. The sight  before me, paired with all the available reflections, was a blog post waiting to happen. What a dilemma! Should I head back home and find the camera so I could record the sight and share it? Or should I re-create the following morning? Or…what?

Instead, I stood and stared and attempted to soak the image deep into myself.
And then I followed the path and walked and contemplated and had a most fantastic morning…just living the moment.

Pt.2

I began blogging about ten years ago. A decade! Back then, my blogging crowd consisted mostly of my peer group on campus. We lived under the same roof, ate at the same tables, and attended the same places of learning and worship. Our blog posts were fun and simple and added an extra dimension to our relationship, though were not the reason for it.
From those days, I ventured into a few other platforms, the most significant being the step into the ‘Gypsies & Cowboys’ years which carried the subtheme of ‘finding Life in the living’. At this point, I was blogging to record and process our journey, as well as to build a platform for when I was published as agents had no interest at even looking at someone without a ‘committed online following’ (ah haha…insert many minutes of dry and cynical laughter 😉 ). From that recent season, I transitioned into the current ‘Whole Dei’ expression; a platform and venue of which I had/have specific vision and ideas.

Pt. 3

This is my Grandma Anna. We called her ‘Sugarlump’. She has being away from us and with the Lord for several years now, but I still think of her daily. This is one of my favorite photos of her and one of the few in my possession. She’s seated by her window, reading the Psalms in large print and with her magnifying glass.
Grandma never touched a computer in her life. She never held an email account. But, she loved to read and write, and the journals of her later years hold pages of my own script as she dictated the day’s events to me. She lived simply and well.
Sugarlump lived alone on a ¼ section of land with the nearest neighbor about half a mile down the road. One day a new young family moved into that other farm. Being the woman she was, Sugar’ crossed field and road and personally stepped into the life of that new young wife and mama. Long story short: a relationship formed, Christ entered, and lives were changed forever, simply from one woman moving her feet and using her one life within another’s. (Interesting twist: that same ‘young mama’ and I unexpectedly reunited in this very town this fall and she now lives about the same distance down my road as she and Sugarlump once did.)

Pt. 4

All of these parts and pieces are just segments of thought swirling about and leading to one conclusion which I have put off for months. Within these thoughts are questions that I must ask myself:
(Ugh, and there are so many disclaimers within these that I’m not even going to list them. Just…take them as my questions and not as any examination of you…)

Why am I still blogging? Why go public with these words and posts? (Oh, I have answers; my future, my art, my community…but…why?)

If I am ever to create something worth publishing or producing, couldn’t it be, perhaps, decent enough that it could somehow connect with others in itself, without a pre-project online presence? Why write about writing in the time I could be, well, writing?

Am I living certain moments simply for the sake of posting them? That activity or that photo or…. When did I begin ‘mind-blogging’ each moment and tucking it all away for my next post? What influence is this constant presence playing upon my daily life?

Followers, numbers, subscribers, ‘friends’. Am I safe for this? Who am I to lead one thousand women? Who am I to want to know the numbers of my ‘followers’? Am I that voice, that paragraph or post that is worth another mama using five minutes of her morning time? If I post something fantastic about childrearing or nutrition or spirituality, and ten thousand followers affirm it, then I must be right, right? My husband had better take notice, the rest of them do. My children had better recognize their mama’s words, the world does! Oh mercy…. Why should I long for those friends and followers? Is that what our Savior taught us? Oh that I would be ever fearful of this fickle praise, ever mindful of the weight of teaching, ever aware of my own weakness and vanity, ever longing for the Quiet.

Am I able to live a whole and Good life…without broadcasting it? What if no one knows? What if I came up with the best recipe or the most clever family activity time or some life-changing point of insight– could I just live it?

Are there other women out there with hopes and dreams and ideas who are always one step behind? Two extra minutes on the to read the posts, another five to review the latest pins and updates, a half hour evaporating in the mist of a click and a browse and a, “Just a minute sweetie, mama just needs to finish this…”, a day’s delay, a month’s remorse, another sequence of “Someday I’d really love to…”.

I enjoy blogging. I really, truly, honestly do.
I’ve devoted days upon days to this form of art and expression. Posts, pictures, comments; they’ve all become a significant part of my life and I’ve gained much. I’ve learned how to process in new ways. I’ve connected with some dear and life-long friends. I’ve discovered resources and ideas that I never could have come up with on my own.

Yet…I hate it as well. Yes, I have slowly developed a deep and (finally) unavoidable disdain. The feeling is somewhere between nausea and guilt and panic. It doesn’t make sense, entirely. Yet at the same time, it does. It’s the suffocating of points of conviction, the stagnation of ideas and projects, the acrid smoke of wheels spinning.

Perhaps the above chunks of thought were  more for me than for you, or perhaps you’ll need it in a year or two. It won’t entirely make sense, and I’m fine with that. I would like to add more explanations and disclaimers, but it’s taken almost an entire week to get solid screen time in which to record these thoughts, so I’m going to offer it to you as it is.

In sum:

I’m stepping away for awhile.

Again, I love this blog, and so many of the peers and posts out there from you as well, but there are aspects of my face-to-face life that I am not doing well and that need to be tended. Family, women, home, health, community, creativity, many many things.

This is my own choice and within it I’m giving myself some guidance. I plan to take this sabbatical (of sorts) until the autumn equinox (September 22nd ). One season would be more convenient, but not long enough for someone so fargone as myself. In the blogging world, even a week away is a suicide of sorts, so stepping away for almost six months is nothing short of ridiculous. But oh well.
In autumn, if regular posts commence, they will not come from my heart alone but will stem from a committed community of women writing from various perspective and journeys. We’ll share our stories and insights towards a destination of wholeness, and without losing a piece of ourselves in the process. That said, if something truly noteworthy or tragic or celebratory comes about before then, or an especially beautiful glimpse through a wordless photo, I’ll share it on Mondays. No need to check in otherwise, use your time elsewhere.

So…this is it. This journey, this story, this desire for wholeness within it all, is…here.

Any comments will still be emailed to me, so please do share your thoughts. I’d love to hear from you, now and within the months to come, so feel free to drop a line whenever (konadee@gmail.com).

Be well my friends. I wish you all a spring and summer filled with finding Life…in the living.

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Comments
8 Responses to “Towards Wholeness and Life…in the living”
  1. Sara L says:

    I didn’t get a chance to read it all. I’m sure we’ll catch up in person 🙂 (hey, I have a moment right now if you want to step over!) But I totally get what you’er saying. It’s why I rarely post. Why I rarely post a facebook status, etc… But realizing that for many, they work differently and it seems to be ok for them. For me, whether it’s my season of life (so busy!) or not, it’s how ‘I’ need to live. Sigh. Yes, I get what you’re saying.

  2. Carrie Ryan says:

    Wow…I have just signed on to receive your posts, and read this. I believe all things happen for a reason because I have been having some of the exact same thoughts about my own blogging. I have only been doing it since 2009 but some of your very same thoughts have been my own, and they are becoming more weighted with time. I dream, desire and hope to write – to be published one day. I don’t really know how to go about it but I trust God and His plan. At one time, I thought my blog would give me the opportunity to write more, and to reach out. In that, I have yet to bring along more than 20 followers, although many more drift through on a daily basis. And there are those numbers…and why?

    So I thank you for this post. I know that it probably isn’t an easy decision. I will continue to look for the posts that you may decide to share, but even more I hope that in your time away, you are refreshed and filled. I have contemplated my own similar journey to step away, and I just might yet.

    Blessings,

    • Dea' says:

      Aw, Thank you for the shared understanding (and just commenting on this in general). I think many women are wrestling with this question these days. It’s a tough one to face and difficult to express an answer which really fits the individual, the season, and the goals they’re seeking. I’m looking forward to seeing how it all plays out, as well as where your own journey leads.

      • Dea' says:

        Oh! Sorry Carrie! I totally morphed your comment with another! I was replying to YOU (not James), but then added in a comment towards her as well in the parenthesis. So sorry! (I’m about to edit it out)
        Anyways. Great to meet you 🙂 Thank you, again, for the support 🙂

  3. Good for you….whenever I feel like “blogland” is taking over, I step away too! And I often think about it in terms of “the land of the living”! I hope you find happiness this summer! I have said this before in comments, but you are an awesome writer and you should pursue your talents….really. There aren’t many out there that have the skills and creativity that you do. Maybe this is the time and space that you need to do so. Anyway…enjoy…relax and whenever you pop in, those that care will be there!

    • Dea' says:

      Wow…what encouraging words! Thank you 🙂 I appreciate the support and the kindness. Best to you and yours 🙂

  4. Dea,

    I love your thoughts! As always, you teach me. I love taking long breaks as well. As you say, sometimes I just long to live the moments. Enjoy your season away, and when you return we can visit each other on Mondays. And yes, you’re a talented writer, my friend. Can’t wait to see how the Lord uses your words.

    Love you!

  5. Kit says:

    You just perfectly verbalized my inward struggle with social media.

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