“Unless the Lord builds a house…:

{who am  I kidding…this might be the Monday Post. Life is weird and full and busy. And  find it difficult to hold onto something once it’s on the screen.}

I’ve been thinking lately…

If I had just met this man, how would I conduct myself?

If we had one last year…or month…or week together…
how would we choose to spend it?
Would we chatter and mumble on this
and that?
Would our eyes see this while our minds blurred and our ears wandered and our mouths pretended?
Would we even say that? Think it? Even let our hearts use that pumping pump pump thump…to feel it?
If our days were, indeed, numbered,
would I care about those bills? That decision? That indecision that led to that path that created a now?
And what would matter? And…unmatter?

And why would any of it make a difference if I knew, or finally believed, that these days, our days, were numbered?

I’ve been asking myself:
When people are sitting in divorce court and spouting deepest hurt out of their mouths while their hearts ache…and ache…might they reflect,
“If I had just been quiet…that time?
If I had made issues…of issues?
If I had put value…on that which held value?

Or not even in court.
in the evening.
in the silence.
in the car.
in the night.
and the Night.

I’ve been thinking lately of my longing for romance:
For an opportunity to wear a dress, or even heels.
For an excuse to smell lovely at the nape of my neck. For a reason to be fancy and…paid for.

I’ve been thinking….

And I’ve been witnessed the depth of my desires.
The yearning.
The hurt.
The fickle selfishness.
and my valleys and shadows and longings and darkness and questions and rights and wrongs.

And my heart is drawn to my Lover. To The Christ. To the One who promises to be Husband and Hen and Forever.

I am reminded that all that I NEED is found, and is TO be found, in Him.
In His arms.
In His bosom.
In His voice.
In His promises.

{Find it.
Seek after it.
Knock and ask and EAT it. }

He rescued me.
He sees that, while I was a whore in the gutter,
I am beautiful.
I am whole and embraced and of value.

And now,
I am called to love.
and to Love.

Without expectation.
or demand.
or resentment.
or if/thens and maybes….

But to LOVE! To love to love to Love.
because He first loved me.
And He is all exepectation and not.
And all explanation…and not,

And I am called to this with Joy. With sweet…sweet…expectation.
Not that sense of waiting, and then stifling, and then resenting, and then… defiling.
But with the expectation that says this:

I have received Love, and so Love shall flow from me.
Love is Good, so Goodness shall flow from me.
Goodness creates Beauty, so beauty shall flow from me,

And so I receive….

And so I expect….

And so I flow…and overflow…and wait…and rejoice….

And ask.
So that when I am asked of, I will overflow. 
And when there is no asking, I will overflow.
And when I ask of myself, I will already by full.

Because He is Good to me.

3 Responses to ““Unless the Lord builds a house…:”
  1. Kmarie says:

    While I see the beauty here I have to say that our loving Christ does not expect perfection. Instead we are giving grace to accept our flaws while we accept their flaws. And each person needs to live out their union of friendships or marriage with the careful balance of divinity and unity. Honestly, if I had a few months left I would probably live them exactly as I do now but perhaps with a little more urgency. Because I think it’s the similar concept of ” if Christ came would Christians crucify him today?” We know most would. I knowi am still human and fallible. I know I need to vent to forgive. I know my best friend needs to be silent to forgive. My husband needs to initially put on pride to forgive later. We all have our flaws that get us to point B as long as we don’t revel in them and challenge ourselves too… Which is what I got from the beauty in your post. I just think for myself I would probably still live similar because of three reasons;
    I know God does not want me motivated out of guilt and shame. That’s what grace is for
    *I was made to be me with all the beauty and mistakes.
    * I need redemption but I also need acceptance to honour the Divine who said I was good and fearfully and wonderfully made.
    * on a personal note I love my husband even though he makes me livid and vice versa. Those stories told in safe places can either help us because marriages need other outside encouragement and sharpening or they can help others by not feeling alone when there ARE years when divorce is a possibity. Some pull through some don’t. Some divorces are needed on this side of heaven for many reasons. Even though that’s tragic there is still love there and most that I know divorced loved as best as they could with what they’ve been given;)
    While I understand that these questions need to be asked and challenged from time to time I think we would snap under the pressure to be little gods in a way. The hurt, moments of selfishness and fickle processing are important in the journey too as long as whatever relationship we are in we Both find a way to rise above the petty, embrace both the hurt and beauty and find the best way in our personality to love again.
    I hope the house continues to be built with love for its flaws and its potential;)
    Love you and your heart.

  2. Kmarie says:

    I walked through your house. I love it. Great bones;)! I just had a thought… You mentioned the couple in divorce court who regretted previous actions” if I’d just kept my mouth shut” sometimes it is that simple but other times I wonder… Could it be like your house? People warning you, giving you it’s past stories and trying to make you regret or live with unpleasant regret? If you really wanted to I think you could regret and trace it back to the moment you purchased. But really, part of that equation was life and circumstance beyond control and now you are making something beautiful and new without regret weighing on your mind. I think with love we just need to keep living. Life is tough enough without regret… And we each have moments that we regret. We just can’t measure our success of love with it;) of course this is coming from someone who is clinically depressed and dealt before with a clinically depressed husband so it’s probably coming from a personal experience. We just desperately needed to express, be flawed, try again to love, and get support wherever we could to live. For me that means letting it out to eventually let him in. I think we all do it in ways we will both regret and not regret. I think you should arrange a date where you can wear those heels and arrange sitters- to ask if your heart needs it;) that’s not bad and as my friend I feel that both of you deserve moments like that ( also when I re read I sound harsher or more preachy than I am meaning too. If we were talking I would be smiling, joking and chuckling some;)

    • Dea' says:

      Haha, lots to respond to…! 😉 I’ve got kiddos in need, but just the thought of the top: This wasn’t a post of regret, not at all. It was a post of value: to let go of those things that have no true value and to embrace and fight for that which is of infinite value. If I want to use my life/marriage/time/gifts/years with little complaints and comments and criticisms, sure, that’s my choice…my not one of value. If I can learn to have “eyes to see”, those meaningless things will simply wash into shadows and I’ll have much more clarity and conscience for that which matters. Glad you like the house. I’ve loved it since the very first moment– and without regret 🙂 rest & peace, d

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